Dear Beige, I know you probably think it strange that I am writing you a letter after all this time. I am struggling to fulfill myself as a writer, and I am trying to make amends with anyone I have caused grievance to in the past. We are both mature enough to know that arguing won’t change anything! For my past actions, may I just say: I’m sorry. Beige! Don't take it this way. Really. It’s going to be okay. It’s okay that I consider you … plain and...dull. Millions of people love you! Why is my opinion so bloody important? Now don't let that get you down, Beige! You're like ...the decorating equivalent of Crisco frosting on white bread. Or maybe you're actually a polyester muumuu! I can't decide which, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with either of those life choices! Oh, do not let that hurt your feelings for pity’s sake! Really, you're so sensitive, and I'm trying to pay you a compliment. I'm trying to boost your ego, so don't get bent out of shape, okay? However, I gotta ask you just one question. Why, Beige? Why, out of all the colors you could have been, you chose to be the hue of a withered garbanzo bean? The bloom of a three-week-old corpse? Beige! For once in your life, straighten up! Ever hear of standing tall? Of course you haven't! If you were here I’d slap you! You’re such a bore! Do you help anybody? Are you anything more than the pastiest of fillers? Get some balls, Beige!! You’re about as forthright as a Fundamentalist’s wife. WAFFLER!! Oh yeah, and Beige? Forget the entire first paragraph. I’m not quite as mature as I thought. And hey--- Beige—Don’t take it so hard, Sludgeface. You are, after all, the most appropriate color for vomit. Sincerely and Very Truly Yours, Patsy Spikes Sherrod Funkeration Freedom Fighter Cc: Sherwin Williams, Benjamin Moore, et al. |
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Seriously, man. I have this friend who loves to bore her eyes into me from across the room. She’s not a frequent cohort, mind you; I just don’t have time to bond with subtle disapprovers. And I happen to know, disapproval is what the eye-borer is all about. I will stare at this person with eyes like daggers and see if I can convey my disapproval. Does she really think I care? Is it going to make me do one thing differently? The answer, fellow funkerators, is a resounding NO!!! What even gives somebody the idea they’re allowed to disapprove? I'm not talking parents and children here. I'm talking about friends… acquaintances… people I work with… Pretty much anyone that feels it’s okay to eye-bore! And eye-boring is practiced almost exclusively in public-- It’s meant to be subtle in a crowd, yet to control. Think about this nugget. WE'VE ALL KNOWN ONE. We've all been on the receiving end of an eye-bore at some point in our lives. This problem is huge, and there's no easy answer and no federal funding. I, for one, resent it. So I guess the real question is: Are you an eye-borer? If the answer is yes, then I resent you too, you unhappy trash. Eye-zooming cretins who aren't comfortable with others living their own lives and making their own decisions have no place in my world. For any of you flippin' fence straddlers out there, let me make myself clear: These frigid psychopaths hate you. They don’t like what you’ve just said, or what you have on, for that matter. They don’t like the fact that you've gained a few or have a zit on your neck. None of that is okay. More than that, these optical hate mongers disapprove of our actions-- the very essence of who we are. They don't like the words that come out of our mouths or the sloshing of wine from our glass. They don't like that we cut the cheese in mixed company, or the exuberant soliloquies we so often give… They don’t like any of it! If you are a practicing, committed eye-borer, consider this a warning: Next time I may poke your bloody orbs out. As for the rest of you, when confronted by an unflinching lid, consider picking your nose with your middle finger. Examining your lowers or eating the gooey between your toes is also effective; I love to see an eye-borer’s gorge rise. I’d like to imagine a world where peace and love are the rule, where tolerance and respect are the way, where eye-borers have no sanctuary, no safe haven to practice their insipid habit. But to accomplish this, we must work together. Eradicating eye-boring is a worthy, weighty cause. Please help. For information on forming an anti eye-bore group in your town, please email brains@funkeration.com. Thanks in advance for your support. THE ANTI EYE-BORE INSTITUTE a division of funkeration manufactory |
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